Don't Show

by Ghost Boy

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about

a reflection of the most bizarre, pain filled, erratic, unpredictable and unbalanced, yet layered and beautifully irregular parts of my psyche, tracing my journey right from childhood when the pain started, [act 1: seeds], through the most painful, formative years [act 2: development], all the way to present, to the emergence of the dark soul i'd become, [part 3: manifestation]

credits

released December 12, 2018

license

Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

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about

Ghost Boy Varanasi, India

DAMAGED

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Track Name: Special [prod. feelo]
Since I was just a little kid
I been mentally unfit
Imagining some shit
Trying very hard to fit
But I never really fit
With the other fucking kids
I been invisible
Tryna stand out
But It seemed dismissible
All the useless kiddy clout

I was special
Yeah I been special (special)
I was special
Yeah I been special (special)

Teachers were happy with me
But they were not
Grades were fucking snappy with me
But I fought
With every fucking kid that fucking agitated me
Or the motherfucking system that dictated me
I mean frustrated me
Humiliated me
Felt like I fucking caged
When walked fucking free
I was not like the others
Everyone hated me
My creativity
Coulda never ran free
With all limitations
Bestowed upon me
But I never really seemed to care
Seemed to only dare
To make it fucking fair
Build a secret evil lair

I was special
Yeah I been special (special)
I was special
Yeah I been special (special)
Track Name: Anger
Black in my heart
Burning with rage
All this temptation crazed
Feel like destined for greatness

i am hella angry
Cos no one understands me
In the system they wanna cram me
But I'm out of here
Above all gods - - I don't care
Making me violent here
But it's not gonna sit with me
Human beings, get lit with me
Lit on literal fire
I don't see no Messiahs
We gonna burn in hell
We all rotting well

[Decay
Defeat
Hideous
Grotesque] x4

Black in my heart
Burning with rage
All this temptation crazed
Feel like destined for greatness

[guitar solo]

Strange music saved my life (too)
Was fucking with it then it became my wife (too)
now my rage
Got straight out the gate
But I am not fazed
It part of equation
DRIVING ME CRAZY
i dont get lazy
causing destruction
literal suction
all the humanity out of me
there ain't no god i perceive
intervention undoubtebly
tell me what is it
it aint no god
what is it
all a facade
what is it
feeling like fraud
what is it
thing, man or broad
what is it

[Decay
Defeat
Hideous
Grotesque] x4
Track Name: Neglected [Prod. CRCL]
Making me feel like I'm hella defective
I'm tryna perfect it
But life's directed
To nowhere
I don't even wanna fucking go there
Tryna show the world I got no fear
But just like Batman I feel the pain
All these restrains
Do nothing but maim
And my life's directed in no direction
Tryna control all this aggression
Pent up inside of me
I gotta hide in me
Voices in my head feeling like they dividing me
Tryna reach out, yes I am fighting it

Stop neglecting
Take fucking notice
Save me while you can
I am begging you to this

Or just fucking end it right here
Y'all got no fucking idea
Of what I'm evolving to
Nothing like Charizard
It's more like shedinja
I'll end up hurting ya
And myself
Feel like hulk in here
In my head
Multiple personalities
Fighting to throw the good
Out of me
All want a chance at riding me
I feel like a vessel
Or an empty castle
Too much room to fill with thoughts
Making my own false gods
I know it's all cemented
Felt like it so I vented
I know time won't come back to me
You don't need to tell that me
Don't present my own facts to me
But I wish
I wish I could go back and tell em all

Stop neglecting
Take fucking notice
Save me while you can
I am begging you to this
Stop making me feel like I'm hella defective
I'm tryna perfect it
But life's directed
To nowhere
I don't even wanna fucking go there
Tryna show the world I got no fear
But just like Batman I feel the pain
All these restrains
Do nothing but maim
And my life's directed in no direction
Tryna control all this aggression
Pent up inside of me
I gotta hide in me
Voices in my head feeling like they dividing me
Tryna reach out, yes I am fighting it
Track Name: Almost [prod. Beatzcraze]
this medication got me fucked up
but even then i'm only almost drugged up
almost rubbed off the wrong way
but i'll go back to the bitch cos i'm that way
a fat wave of emotions piling
and i'm dialing up the medic
the attic is messy and fucked up
trauma sealed and locked up
then some drama popped up
cos my momma caught up
with my father in belittling me
was a flower and they withering me
telling me i'm [[almost the best]]
[[not good enough]]
i mean [[what the fuck]]
i was only a child
yea might have been vile
and i'm still not good enough
but i ain't quitting up
cos i'm [[almost the best]]
issa good thing
[[almost perfect]]
and i'll get there
Track Name: Alone [prod. Taylor]
[hook]
(Left alone.. by my heros
Left alone by those I kept close
Isolation only fucking grows
Pain overdose)


[Verse]
Left alone but im fine
Talk another time
But the person i want
Cannot get to if i try (even)
I don't wanna fucking cry (even)

Told you that i loved solitude
But i want you to stick by my side
Now they see me with no signs of life
I don't even care if im alive

[hook]
(Left alone.. by my heros
Left alone by those I kept close
Isolation only fucking grows
Pain overdose)

[Verse]

Told you that i loved solitude
But i want you to stick by my side
Now they see me with no signs of life
I don't even care if i fucking die

[hook]
Track Name: Brilliant/Cursed [prod. Krainsound]
im brilliant
got elegance
not ignorance
it's brilliance
i'm above you
cos i'm brilliant


Brilliant, I'm perfect
Live better than you, i deserved it
Got talent
and i ain't silent
getting violent
imma kick yo ass
you beneath me
don't show me your sass
i make no errors, how am i gonna grow
ain't no obstacle, over which i cannot flow
so how will my current get stronger?
how to stretch this brilliance longer?
how do i know i'm not obsolete
when i find no faults in me to delete
all this perfection, is it worth?
is this brilliance, or am i cursed?


brilliant
brilliant
im brilliant
got elegance
not ignorance
it's brilliance
i'm above you
cos i'm brilliant



Brilliance when i wake up
Brilliance in my sleep
All good, all perfect
Elegance is what i reek
Sab perfection
Kuch ni rakhta bas theek
And i know im better to mai kyu rahu meek
Although lately
I've been feeling kinda weak
Why
Do i feel so week
Kyu mai khud bhi nahi theek
Sab kuch lage on repeat.
Aur mai thehra sa
Mujhe khud bhi nahi yaad kya mai keh rha tha
Sab cheekh rahe the, kya mai behra tha?
Kya mai sach me nahi brilliant
Am i really cursed?
Stead of making it better did i really make it worse?
Did I really put a limit on my growth?
Did i really severe my own throat?


I ain't brilliant
No elegance
It was ignorance
Not brilliance
Not above
Wasn't brilliant
i was cursed
Track Name: Isolation [prod. krainsound]
[Verse 1]
(0:26
I been isolated
Ever since I have been hated,
Baited and faded it dated way back
But I was on the right track
( I was on the right track)
To my destruction
Mental malfunction
Hit the pedals, get some medals,
No, sit at home and question
Every fucking goddamn thing in the motherfucking world
Like why is swearing bad, why I do it so much. Like,
Why I dug up facts on facts, why I been out of touch,
Why am I so different, (but)
Ain't no predicament
Craved for love never got any
Why don't I got the thirst for fanny
That's normal.for my age
Why I think like a sage
but want wordy possessions
Conflicts raise aggression
Conflicted mind
Aggressor of itself
But I don't want any help
Cos I know there is no point in
Proving to people my pain's true
Getting barely a second to sleep
Not having a second of peace
From a lot, yes I was going through

[Hook]

(So I further isolated
This my isolation
Don't nobody come near me
Please don't make no questions
I further isolated
This my isolation
Don't nobody come near me
Please don't make no questions)

[Verse 2]

Then I realized in my sanctuary
Some time back in January
(That) I gotta either kill myself or kill myself
Stop all the things making me myself
So I'm no longer able to feel myself
Or be ready to end this life
Put a full stop to this endless fight
Cos I don't wanna be pathetic no more
smile only when I see blood and gore
People disgust me to the core
See, you gotta trust me, they are clones
Or machines at best
Leeching off each other
Dopamine and rest
Call this life?
Makes me laugh
But sadly these are all facts

[hook]
Track Name: Hope [prod. numb]
[Prelude]
It's just you
just fucking you
Everytime
Everywhere
It's just fucking you
The giver of hope
And the one who destroyes it

[Intro]
You know there was a time
Before you came along
I was all alone
I was sad
And scared
And confused
Didn't know what I would do

I know there was a time
I'd kill myself
If it wasn't for you,
You know it's true

You gave me hope
Please don't take it away (take it away)

[Verse]
All the frost in my life (just) melted away
(When I was) lost in your eyes never felt this way
I'm feeling now
All the problems that I'm dealing with now (would just go away)
You made me believe
That I could achieve
Everything I've ever wanted
Never got it
Should just record it
Was about to call it quits
Not just this
Not just that
My whole fucking life
That's the matter of fact

I was about to quit life
In some ways I almost did
When I stopped trying to fit
Do everything like they told me
Even I couldn't control me
Baby please I need you to hold me

Won't you hold me, just for once
For once I'd like to feel normal
In a stadium wearing formals
That's how I look right now
Inside of my head
There's a voice telling me I should be dead

You drive it away
You give me hope

The love of my life
Lemme look in your eyes
I mean when i fantasize
About you, and me
Oh look, so sweet
But that's the only time I'm optimistic
Feeling I've Loved, but I've missed it
For far too long
Been without any hope
Now I got you tho
Now I got you tho..
Track Name: Dark Thoughts [prod. Krainsound]
She said she saw hope in my eyes
Didn't know, it was just a disguise
Is everything I do real? Or am i full of lies?
As I realise
I've made some, real lies
Where lies
Every single one of my many insecurities
Guess I need a quarantine
Ye Jo likh di Hai zindagi
Beato pe yahi le aunga mai
shayar se rapper ban jaunga Mai
Shayad se rapper ban jaunga Mai
Instagram ki stories me khaaunga Mai
Laakho karodo me gaaunga Mai
Logo me jaana bhi jaaunga mai
Ya fir koi degree pakad ke hilaunga Mai?
Clients ke liye maraunga Mai?
Gumnaami me hi mar jaunga Mai?
Kise pata, huh?
Kise pata Hai?
Kise pata?
Bol kise pata Hai?
'Gar tujhe pata Hai ki kise pata Hai
To pata pata karke
Usise pooch-
Ab tujhe pata Hai
Par tujhe pata bhi Hai to kabhi mujhe batana nahi
Mere, saamne laana nahi, Mera Sach
Khud se hi bhaagu
Fir khud me doob ke karna chahu answers search
Kuch mile na
I come out empty handed Everytime
But not giving up, one more time
Gimme one more time
Khud se bas yahi hi bolu mai
and my girl worried, "khudh ka dhyaan kyu nahi rakhte ho"
Now she mad, "itna nhi Kar sakte ho?"
Ab kaise samjhau use
Ha, kaise samjhau tumhe khud ko m zinda rakh raha yahi kaafi hai
drame ni Kar raha na maangni koi maafi hai
Poori is duniya ko maangni maafi hai,
Mujhse
Khud se
Maangu m maafi bas khud se
Chahiye ni mujhe kuch tujhse
Khud me hi poora m khud se
Ye rhyme bana rha m khud se
Meta line bhi ye likh daali khud se
Bhale hi kuch bhi m kar kyu na paau
Par wo bhi m karunga khud se
Ha Roz hi m ladunga khud se
Jab bhi marunga m khud se
Bas Ek aur din
Ek aur rhyme
Ek aur sin
Ek aur crime
Khudhi ki zidagi ki mohlat maangu m khud se
Aasani se marne walo me se nahi hu, khud ko samjhaau m khud se
Lage baate suicidal par Mai nahi
Chup chap sa rehta m na kahi
Dil ki koi baat kabhi na kahin,
Bas phone pe tap m karta jaau fir mic pe wahi nikaal du poora
Beats pe use laga ke fir internet pe daal du poora,
Apna sach
yeah this is my life
My dark thoughts.
Track Name: Messed Up Mind [prod. Alx]
My head is heavy, it's hurting now
don't even know what the fuck I'm blurting now
Can't tell reality from the surreal
I see all my demons returning now
Not been closed in four days, eyes are burning now
Don't know when or what ate, stomach's churning now
My room smells of blood, but wait just to me
Only sounds there is is "thud", again just to me

YEAH I GOT A MESSED UP MIND!

I like to see my blood, and oh taste it too
Cutting myself open, I make haste into
Maybe I made a monster, and faced it too
Or maybe I am the monster, I just faced into
The mirror
Talking metaphorically
The mirror, looking directly into my soul
Strangling a human to death, one of my life goals
Self harm for depression? Pussy shit
I just like the pain, so I do this shit
Art supplies, an apt disguise
For all my sharp little friends I use to dice
Pieces of my flesh since the 8th grade
Watching myself get stitches never made me afraid
And I cannot make this up every bit is true
Guess I'm a sociopath, gore makes me drool

IT'S TRUE I GOT A MESSED UP MIND!

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